theuniqueexpirienceofdating

Reality of Interracial Dating

One year annniversary! Succsessful relationsips — April 17, 2016

One year annniversary! Succsessful relationsips

What have I learned in the last year? I CAN be in a successful relationship. That has been the biggest surprise. I was told when I was a kid that just some people are not capable of being in a relationship and I was just one of them.

Now I know I can do it.

I have learned I can be stubborn. I have always thought of myself as very easy-going, but being in love is like having your patience drawn to the last possible stretch that you didn’t even know you could tolerate. With most people if they annoy you, you move on and talk to someone else. Being in love…oh no you have to actually argue with them and figure out your differences! It’s much more work and I wasn’t expecting to have to work on patience.

I also learned that love is addictive and there is no depth to the maximum you can love someone. I thought at three weeks I could never love someone more than I loved him (first time being in love). I thought after three months I had reached my limit. At a year? I fall in love again with him everyday. Deeper, and sweeter. It’s the way he laughs, to the way waves his hands when talking, or even the way he winks randomly at me. These are all things only he can do in just the perfect way that I adore. So I love him even more for just being him.

I also learned that your subconscious is a valuable window to your heart and it speaks through the dreams you may not pay attention too. The first dream I had of him I was shocked to say the least. I never dreamed about a guy before. The second time was like ‘WOW AWESOME’. The first time I had dreamt about him every night that week…uhoh that’s serious. Now if I have a dream without him I wake up and freak out a bit like ‘what’s going on here…has the world ended or something???’. He doesnt always play an active part in my dreams, but other times my mind will literally morph him into different characters to suit the dreams changing needs because I couldn’t imagine a better playmate for the chaos of my weird dreams than him. I need a partner escaping a prison in my dream? It’s him. I now need a sales clerk at a gas station because In my dream the FBI cannot find me if I am in a store. It’s him. Now I need someone to be a bus driver on the bus leading me to my freedom from the prison….GUESS WHO. Yeap. It’s him.

I am shocked that despite our differences and often huge issues that have to be overcome that we are still together, but at the same time…I kind of knew it from the beginning. When you meet someone and it just feels so right that it seems like the Gods themselves gave their blessing (the light we were standing under went out just as our lips touched for the first time on the first date), you can’t really expect for anything but a match made in heaven. Literally.

 

 

 

The perfect ring — April 12, 2016

The perfect ring

I had no idea that Indians did not wear wedding rings. People are actually trusted to act in a way that is fitting of marriage whether they have a physical reminder of the commitment or not. On the other hand, it is extremely important to me to have a ring, for the very purpose that it does daily remind you of the marriage vows. You can say you will study for exams every night, but to actually sit down and do it I would leave my books by my bed to remind me to be diligent and make an attempt every night to work on my school work.

My sister is also getting married and so her and her soon to be fiancé were looking at rings and he was putting so much thought and care into what she would be entitled to wear for the rest of her life. She was completely un interested in the conversation and refused to even look at the designs he was suggesting. It made me wonder about her commitment level to him. If my boyfriend offered to look at ring with me, I would be all over it. I am ready for that step. I want to feel like the way in which I care for him is compleately legitimate and not just some fancy passing. Since it is not a custom he is used to though, I doubt that will happen. I don’t want to push my customs on him, but honestly it is quite important to me to know I don’t have to worry about American women he works or hangs out with getting the wrong idea (he is very good-looking and naturally very outgoing so girls practically follow him like a puppy dog). I don’t care what amount he spends. I don’t care what the design is. I only care that he put a lot of thought into it. The time will come eventually, but I can only hope it is a tradition he embraces, just as I will embrace the manglasutra.

Love and Money- The Secret — April 1, 2016

Love and Money- The Secret

I hate money. I dread its very existence and think it brings with it so much trouble and unhappiness that it is the most worthless thing you could have. I always endeavored to have enough to be comfortable and support myself and my son sufficiently. I am happy with this. When I found out that my partner made about the same amount as me, I was thrilled. We would be equals when it came to finances and I would feel truly like it was our money, and not just his. I saw how my mother abused the finances of my well off father and never wanted the perception that I was marrying for money, because to me, money is the quickest path to self destruction.

Fast forward a year into my relationship with my boyfriend and it turns out he lied to me about how much he makes to make sure I wasn’t with him just for his money. How can I blame him? I have heard enough gossip from the cubicles besides me to know gold diggers are a very real, and unpleasant sort of human being. If I was a well off guy I would hate to deal with girls fawning over me because I can afford the luxuries in life.

I am hurt that he lied to me for a year. Because of his visa, his salary requirements came up quite often as I was trying to assist him in the job hunt for his next position. My help was of course useless because I didn’t know his true salary and didn’t even know exactly what he does. It wasn’t a lie once and be done situation. He put on a show of being broke to the point that I offered him money (he declined of course), something so absurd now that I know the truth.

I am glad he is getting a good salary. I am very proud of where he is in life. I just don’t know if I will spend the rest of my life judging myself for being with him knowing he will be providing me over half my support since my job will never make as much as he does. I feel like it’s almost giving up my freedom in a way because I wont feel comfortable going out and spending my money, without feeling like I’m spending two thirds of his first.

Has anyone else been in a situation like this? If so any advice is greatly appreciated. I am so conflicted I can’t get this off my mind.

 

 

 

Turning me into an Indian — March 30, 2016

Turning me into an Indian

One of my moms biggest criticisms has been that my love has turned me into an Indian. As if the copious quantities of curry have been absorbed into my very DNA itself and I am going to loose my American DNA (which by the way is a combination of many different races so mixed I can’t even clearly identify myself as any specific race). She makes snarky comments any time I cook Indian food and so I have been forced to cook Indian food only when she is not around. It’s such a shame too though considering the fact that she is vegetarian, and if she gave Indian food an honest try, she would be very impressed with the amount of flavors in some of these dishes. She is truly missing out.

While there is no way for dating an Indian to change my DNA like she is so afraid of, it can legitimately change the way I act and dress. I have become addicted to bangles. That is something I never wore before dating him. He brought me back some bangles from India, and they are glass and soooo breakable. That seems to make them even more unique though and I cherish them. I also love Punjabi dresses. He got me a pink one (my favorite color) and it just makes me feel like a princess walking around in it. I occasionally wear it just when I am alone just for amusement. I also have noticed I talk with him so much I have a little bit of a roll in my R’s now from his accent. I did not even realize that until someone pointed it out to me, it just was such a natural sound to me after listening to him talking all this time.

When you are dating someone from a completely different country. You are going to change. That is inevitable. How much you change is completely up to you. I would rather just embrace the things that feel natural and not worry about am I becoming Indian or not. At the end of the day we are all human beings, so shouldn’t our differences be celebrated and shared rather then mocked or pushed aside?

 

 

My American mother’s reaction to me dating an Indian —

My American mother’s reaction to me dating an Indian

The first date was magical. We never even considered if there should be a second date or not. I instead just laid in bed and replayed the sweet memories over and over again in my mind, waiting until he texted again, which wasn’t long. My mother agreed to meet him the very next date. He bought her flowers and bought my baby chocolates that my child dug into instantly despite the late hour. My mom acted very casual at first, but the moment he didn’t immediately agree to something she said, her mood became a bit tense. We all felt it. Over the months I realized she decided in her mind at that moment that he was being disrespectful by expressing an alternate opinion to hers and she blamed it on his bad upbringing as an Indian. I will admit, most of my previous boyfriends would have instantly backed off and let it go without disagreeing, but I also wasn’t attracted to any of them. I loved that he was well spoken and confident enough to express them despite someone’s disapproval.

She banned him from the house over him refusing to answer a nasty text she sent him one day a few months into the relationship. He should have played into her game and sent back a reply (which would’ve only escalated things because she is full or drama and loves a good screaming fight). I begged her to reconsider, which she did. Within a month he was banned again, this time for saying Oh my God despite my sisters boyfriend never being signaled out for this.

I knew I would expect confrontation when it came to getting accepted into his family, but I never expected this from my own mom. I am extremely saddened by her actions, but one step at a time I am learning to accept there is nothing I could have done over the last year to change the course I am now on. She made her mind up about him on that first meeting.

I have instead decided to focus on developing a relationship with his parents since it would be nice to have the approval of at least someone to attend our future wedding.

 

Interracial Dating —

Interracial Dating

When I think about the dreams I had when I was growing up, I never considered that my soul mate might be from a country half-way across the world growing up in a strange city knowing little of my culture. I instead latched onto the dream of a blue eyed, brown haired prince that would rescue me one day from my boring life and give me all the things I had dreamed of. This was naïve of course and I learned as life changed that money does not equal happiness, and good looking does not equal a good soul.

When I met my sons father he was perfect. He was the perfect American citizen, perfect devote Catholic. Perfect son. He respected no one however, including myself and cheated with countless girls leading to me being a single mom. I was crushed. How could I have got the perfect man, and yet it turned out so deplorably? I don’t think I ever even loved him. I just loved the idea of him. Getting the best looking guy in town is always an accomplishment right?

That relationship ended. I searched and searched for someone…anyone who I could feel some sort of connection with. I wasn’t lonely per se. I just wanted to know what it felt like to have the ball room melt away while you are dancing with prince charming. I wanted the real thing.

The first date with my love was breath taking. From the very moment we started talking we just eased into each others presence and it felt so right. When we first kissed in the parking lot the light went out, as if even God was trying to help us out and give us some privacy. He is Indian however. He grew up in India and has the slightest and cutest accent ever. If I could bottle the sound of his voice I would. His family would disapprove of me. That I already knew. I was facing possible heartbreak. I googled interracial relationships and saw case after case of the girl being used for 2 plus years, but then left for an arranged marriage with an Indian. The terror I felt when I first told him I loved him was so real that I can remember that detail probably more vividly then any other in our relationship.

The journey is only just begun, but I want to tell my story for those who might be going through the same thing. Fighting against all odds to make a love work with someone who’s culture insists to marry for connections and just pray that love comes slowly after. I am not in his league. So only time will tell if love truly is enough.